A Pile of Opaque Vinegar Containers
That's what I saw today on the way home from school, balanced at the rear of a small motorcycle handled by a rugged-looking man who was staring at the road with glassy eyes as if he cared nothing about the world as long as he'd get to his destination. The CSAT - College Scholastic Aptitude Test - was held this morning and even though our proctor informed us that that thing was just a gauge to see how well we'd fare in college, I'll forever think of CSAT as just another entrance test that I must go through in preparation for my future. Not to boast or anything like that, but the CSAT wasn't as difficult as I expected. As some might know, I haven't studied all too well for the test because I was too caught up in my newfound fascination for the Internet. If the UPCAT and the ACET were periodical exams, then CSAT was a quiz - one of those long, difficult ones our teacher in Accounting often gives us. Difficult, but a quiz, nonetheless.
I'm sure I didn't do too well for this QUIZ - I'm not even confident enough to say I think I passed. But our school gave us a mock exam to prepare us for the CSAT and the people I've spoken to about this matter all think our mock test was harder than the actual thing. And unlike the other "Reasoning Tests" I've taken before, I had fun with the Inductive Reasoning section of this QUIZ. I think I was even smiling while I answered the Number and Letter Series Part...
To be honest, I think the most difficult part to answer was the survey thing on page three of the answer sheet. The questions were about me, me, me. Well, a bit of my family background too (Highest Educational Attainment of both parents, monthly income, the list goes on...) but the whole thing was basically intrapersonal. I had fun answering all the questions but it took me quite some time to think about my answers. Especially when I had to gauge my own capacity as an individual...
Above Average
Average
Below Average
I think I had seven above average answers (stubborness is one of them), about ten average answers (I finally had the guts to say my self-confidence was average and not subnormal as I used to think it was), and one below average answer (athletic ability - hurrah!). I remember worrying about my answer to the self-confidence thing. Nanoseconds after reading the question, I immediately answered BELOW AVERAGE but after I had finished answering everything, I had a mental debate with my inner child and I ended up shifting my little shaded oval to AVERAGE. I seriously recall grinning like the cat who swallowed a rat - or however the idiom goes - after answering that thing.
Check out the Young Blood article in today's edition of the Philippine Daily Inquirer - my favorite newspaper, by the way. It's called 'Fugly' once and it's written by some 28-year-old lady who, for some reason known only to her and her 'allies', goes by the pseudonym Crispy. Even though I'm not as old as she is, I can almost fully relate to the stuff she wrote in her essay.
Page A13, Opinion, PDI October 6, 2006
(so no one can sue me and say I'm engaging in plagiarism)
"I was the kid who excelled in school, so I used to hear that line (Sa akin yata nagmana 'yan!) whenever I brought home my report card or flashed gold medals or earned merit ribbons from a declamation contest or a Science quiz bee. And it felt good.
"But it felt different when I heard one of them say 'Kamukha mo siya,' and the other protested, 'Hindi, mana siya sa 'yo.' Sadly, I was the kid they were talking about when both of them jokingly denied any genetic responsibility for my less-than-dazzling looks. It seemed as if nobody wanted to be my kamukha...
"I heard those remarks when I was 13 years old, and that was when I came to realize that I was not beautiful. I struggled through my teen years up to my early 20s with a lot of hang-ups and insecurities, thinking I was smart but 'fugly' (f--king ugly)."
Although my parents would never have the heart to do to me what her parents did to her, the rest of the world has sort of done THAT to me countless times already. Maybe it's because I've grown up with cover-worthy friends... I mean, maybe that's why I feel like a poisonous, spotted toad next to some unicorns. Sometimes I feel as though people go to me only to become close to my other friends and that feels bad because I don't like being used!
And the jokes? Oh, the horrors those seemingly harmless jokes bring! When others call me pangit or something synonymous to that, I laugh a bit to avoid awkwardness but when I'm alone, I start thinking they're right. There was even a time when I tried to convince myself to stop looking at mirrors so that I wouldn't see my pimples, my eyebags, my frizzy hair, and all the other blemishes that have bombarded me like meteors since the day I hit puberty.
Even though I fully believe in my capacity to do certain things that others can't, there are times when I feel as if I'd rather not be able to do so much as long as I'd look at least presentable. Honestly, my insecurities have dragged me down so low these past years that a lot of heinous things have occured in my life - because of my own doing and lack of self-esteem.
But now, I guess I'm improving. I'm finally starting to live by the line: you can have it all, you just can't have it all at once. Maybe someday soon I'd be able to look past the dozens of imperfections that flash back at me each time I pass a reflective surface and see into the eyes of a girl who has discovered her true purpose and completed her mission here in this fleeting world where everything flies by in a whirlwind of dust, ashes, and memories.
Besides, I should feel lucky to be blessed with a complete set of body parts, a wonderfully stable environment, and the potential to be someone great if only I'd believe in myself and my ability to achieve. I may not be perfect - but in my imperfections lies my hidden greatness.
Which reminds me - what were we talking about again?
Oh yes, the CSAT.
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I seriously want to get good grades on that thing, you know. Xavier University is actually quite a good school...
Sigh. If only it wasn't just one ride away from home.
posted by wetsunshine @ 11:16 PM
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